My first car was a white 1983 Cutlass Supreme. My Dad said that if I didn't take the car that he wouldn't look for another one for me for six months. My brother took one look under the hood and said to go without.
So, I ended up with a car that took part in a competition. A competition among two of my friends on who could name the most things wrong with the car while they thought I was asleep in the backseat.
The winner got up into the twenties. And I enjoyed listening to the list. More than that, I was just glad someone else was driving the piece of crap instead of me. :)
It had plenty of problems. Here are but a few.
1. "Who needs a hood that shuts all the way? That couple of inches gives the car personality."
2. "And no one can tell the hood is not quite the same color as the rest of the car, right?" Wink.
3. "I need to let go of the steering wheel. Better put the right turn signal on."
4. "What's that gust?" "Oh, it's just air blowing in from where the window fell out and got ran over by a bus. Be glad it's not raining."
5. "Who needs music variety? It turns out that this country station that it plays dial to dial while on campus isn't half bad."
6. "Yeah, and who needs a door handle anyway? Roll down the window and open it that way. We're already wet from the rain that came in through the back seat."
7. "Look, this glove compartment saves you the effort of having to open it and shut it. It stays open all the time!"
I'll never forget the time the passenger door refused to shut. I drove home two miles while holding the door shut. That took some talent! And just so you know, cussing does tend to improve one's talents.
The car knew it was unloved, and being but seven years old, it acted out to get attention. Why break down and pollute the air on a quiet, deserted road when you can do so in the middle of a busy intersection? What better day to have a flat tire than the day your owner is supposed to leave home for college?
Though it drove me up the walls, the car gave me lots of good laughs. If not then, then now that's for sure. I laughed off most of the torture it inflicted on me. But the car also gave me a chip on my shoulder. Which could be a good thing. I went to a rich private college, and I always knew people weren't hanging out with me for my car. That they were down-to-earth, good people because they were hanging out with me DESPITE my car. Without my knowing, it surely acted as a repellent for some superficial people who wouldn't have been worth keeping around anyway.
Once I entered college, the car unveiled a special power. It could attract every cop within a 100-mile radius. Though I looked long and hard, I could not find the magnet...but I bet it was badge-shaped. The car's magnetic power started off weak but grew exponentially. Had I kept the thing through my sophomore year, I'm now convinced that the Secret Service would have paid me a visit.
First it was parking tickets. Half of the college police force quickly became aware that the car belonged to a freshman. But not just any freshman. No, it belonged to a masochistic freshman who gave herself 8AM classes every morning with the lofty goal of quickly transforming herself from a night owl into a morning person. A freshman whose body clock woke her up at 7:55 on the dot every morning after she'd turned off the alarm and fallen back asleep, leaving her with no other choice but to drive to class a mile away or else miss half of it. But freshman cars were not allowed to be on campus. The car's legacy: over $360 in tickets my freshman year. Probably a campus record. Worthy of a plaque or something, right? Perhaps a distinguished alumni award? Hey, that'd be pretty cool. :)
One day I parked in front of the student center while I was trying to hurry my coed frat brothers up, round them up for a service project. The whole time I was eyeing half of my car to make sure I didn't get a ticket. Turns out I was eyeing the wrong half of the car. "You're getting a ticket!" Yeah, thanks there bro. Couldn't talk my way out of the $50 fire lane violation.
The car also got towed. Very quickly I might add. That's what happens when you park a huge clunker in a spot it couldn't possibly belong in, a faculty spot. I gave my friends Jon and Lisa my car keys while I went to work and asked them to pick up the car for me. The place was named Buddy's 24 Hour Towing Service, I kid you not.
"Yeah, we're here to pick up our friend's car."
Spitting out chewing tobacco, "Well, what kind of car is it?"
"Well....um...we don't know."
"Well, what's it look like?"
Looking around, "Well....um...." Then they spotted the car! In her excitement, Lisa blurted out, "Hey, there it is! It's that piece of shit over there. The white four door."
Laughing, "Oh, yeah. Let me go get it. Hope it starts." Wink.
Traffic tickets were just the beginning. The car attracted flashing lights, multiple mutterings of "let me see your license," the whole nine yards. And it wasn't just the Keystone cops on campus who were in on the fun. Regular officers pulled me over as well. The most memorable time was when my friends and I were lost in Arlington, Texas. By the way, don't ever get off east-bound I-30 in eastern Arlington. It's a black hole. Without a helicopter, you'll never see the interstate again. Trust me. :) So, anyway, we were roaming some neighborhoods in the off chance that a driveway was connected to an interstate on ramp. We passed two cop cars with a car pulled over. My friends did what all people do as we passed by, rubber necked. However, this was not such a good idea in my car, the pimpmobile. We kept roaming the neighborhood. About three blocks and so many turns later, a cop car appeared behind me. Flashing lights. Unlike with the campus cops, this intimidated me. This was a real cop! But, yes, most of me knew what this had to be about. This cop was surely delusional, just like the Keystone cops. As it turns out, yes, he was. That's right, just like the campus cops had thought so many times, he also thought my car was...stolen! My car, the piece of shit! For the life of me, I couldn't figure it out. I kept thinking, "Why the hell do I keep getting pulled over for this? Who would steal this piece of shit? Here, have it. Besides, in what other car do you get pulled over in just because your passenger isn't wearing a seat belt? Man, I should just paint donuts all over it." Turns out I finally got the answer I'd been looking for. My car was on a list of the top ten most stolen vehicles. The car they had pulled over back there was stolen, so naturally they thought the same thing of mine because of my friend's gawking. Stolen, huh? Yeah, I wish.
But that didn't account for a couple of other times I was pulled over by the cops. Apparently my car led an adventurous secret life behind my back. I'll never forget how I felt the first time I found out about my car's secret escapades. It was just when I had gotten my repertoire down pretty good -- Lights flashing. I'd stop. Officer would approach. I'd give him a sweet smile and say, "Hi, officer, just so you know, this car isn't stolen, officer." "That's not why I'm pulling you over, young lady. Were you involved in a bank robbery?" "What?!? Bad car!" :) So, yes, I was pulled over for bank robberies...twice.
So, after getting pulled over several times for crap like this, I, like most people would do, stopped thinking of it all as pretty funny and got pissed. And I ended up making an ass out of myself. Not once. Twice. The first time went like this. Lights flashing. I stopped. "Hi officer. My car's not stolen and hasn't been in a bank robbery." "Ma'am, you don't have your lights on." "Oh, sorry."
The second time was in front of the student center. Had two friends in the car with me. Lights flashing. But this time, they had the siren going as well. That really fired me up. I decided to make a stand. Hell no, I wasn't going to take this one sitting down. I jumped out of my car and immediately went about putting the two cops in their place. Before they could even open their mouths, I said, "I'm getting really tired of this. My car's not stolen. It hasn't been in a bank robbery. For God's sakes, I can't help it that I have the ugliest car on campus."
That's when I discovered that the cops had already discussed this topic.
"Actually, ma'am, it's the second ugliest."
What?!? I was pissed. "Oh really! Then what's the ugliest?"
"You know that primered old station wagon with 'Senior '90' spraypainted all over it in different colors?"
"Well...yeah..."
Damn, he was right. I had to laugh. I didn't have the ugliest car on campus. But I bet that damn station wagon never robbed any banks either.
